Today's prompt I'm going to tweak a bit. The list wants me to talk about how comfortable I am with my body image. I hate talking about that stuff because, honestly, I've had some sort of image issue since I was a preteen. I've mentioned how I was bullied about my weight, which certainly didn't help. And now, my current health problems don't help me either. But I am working on improving my self image. It is taking time. More time than I'd like, sometimes. But I know I will get there.
I haven't mentioned this a lot in this blog. I have another where I focus on it. I have rheumatoid arthritis in my knees and one ankle. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Arthritis? That's what old people get." Which is true, but that's usually a different kind. Rheumatoid is an autoimmune disease that causes the body to attack the joints. Unlike osteoarthritis, which is usually the "old people" arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis can be controlled and managed with medications and diet.
Staying active helps a lot, which is why this winter has been killing me. At least in summer, I can go walking or bike riding. In winter, I'm lucky if I can make the indoor pool at the community center once a week.
Some dietary changes help, too. I have to watch salty foods because salt aggravates inflammation. This is hard because I love Chinese food and that is packed with salt. But there is a little place near me that prides itself on not using MSG in their food. So we go there and I can still enjoy it.
Staying active really makes me feel better, too. Sure, I may pay for it the next day or two, but at the time it feels good. All depends on what I do. I stand all day at work. On down time, I usually try to walk around just to stretch and loosen my muscles. (Unless my friend Miss S is working. Then I stay put to avoid a confrontation.) Then, on nice days (if I don't work too late) I'll call up some friends or my mom and we'll hit the park path. Sometimes we'll walk a mile or so. This spring I want to buy a bicycle so I can go riding with my sister and some friends. I also like to go dancing. Like I said, those good days are sometimes followed by a day where I'm just sore because I don't do it regularly. Or I get a pain flare and it hurts to move.
It is discouraging. Especially when I have a few good days just to end up flat on my back again. But I do my best to push through. Some of it is out of pride. There are coworkers (like guess who) who think I fake my issue. How they get this notion, I have no clue. I can be near tears and I will drag my bucket to work for 6, 7, 8 hours. I've argued with one of my managers because I wouldn't go home but I was in so much pain she made me go because she was afraid I'd hurt myself more trying to push it. As long as I can make it past the halfway point of my shift it doesn't count against attendance. But I don't get the pay for the hours I miss either.
Talking to people in a similar situation helps, too. I am on 2 groups on Facebook for RA sufferers. One is a general group and one is just for women and we get a bit more personal about our lives. Both are closed groups so I can go on there and vent to my heart's content without anyone from work or family seeing. And they are all so supportive because many are in similar situations and have heard the things I've heard. Like, "You don't look sick. You were just up late." Oh yeah? My ankle is currently twice its normal size and I can't put weight on it. That's normal, is it?
Finally found a doctor who is helping me, too. My old doctor just told me to take anti inflammatory medicines and work on losing weight. Well, if I can't move, how can I exercise? I really don't snack that much. I mean, sure, I like my sweets as much as the next girl. But I don't park on the couch all day and chow down. I changed doctors and she suggested other medication options. They are not instant cures. There is no such thing. But they help me feel even a little better so I can work on the rest by what I mentioned earlier. Watching the salt, walking, swimming. I was in a water zumba class for a while. Once choir starts its summer break I'm going back because right now I have rehearsal on Thursdays. And the Boy bowls on Tuesdays for a few more weeks. I take a weekly injection. I hate needles but this isn't as bad as I thought because I don't see the needle. If I did, I'd be on the floor. I can almost make the week now. Not liking the side effect of my hair thinning. But it's a small price to pay in order to be able to move.
So, all these things have been slowly helping me become more comfortable in my own skin. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who has been through a lot. But I'm making it. I keep a pair of jeans next size down on my closet door as my goal to work for. I want to be able to climb a mountain on my next trip to Oregon and not feel like I'm going to die when I reach the top. My sister is going to give me a real cute hair cut to help with me deal with my hair thinning out. When I am able to fit those jeans, I sm going shopping for some super cute date clothes.
This is a very long way of saying no, I'm not comfortable with how I look or feel. But I am taking steps to improve it and my health at the same time. That is more important. Looking good is a bonus, though. Not gonna lie. :)
Have a good night!
Carey
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